How did I react when my child came out?
Many may wonder... In fact, it is a question I get a lot.
My kid is a special child in many ways. We have never done the official diagnosis test, but with the instincts of a mom, I knew my kid had Asperger, which is the higher IQ side of the autism spectrum, and the best examples I could think of would be (1) Lauri Love, a British young man that hacked the whole U.S. FBI and DoD websites back in 2012-2013 (see updates on his case here), and (2) Elon Musk (read more on his growing up with Asperger). She became more normal as she grew.
Most autistic people don’t really fit in socially, and this might extend to ideas around gender (gender dysphoria) even though there is not enough statistically reliable evidence (read more on the connection between gender dysphoria and autism). I am a mom that always knew my kid was different, so, I approached the problem that way.
Let's get to the points. Here are the strongest emotions I had when my child came out to me, as subtly as she could be, but as soon as she was approaching her 16th birthday. She had done all the research needed; she knew she could start (hormone) treatment at 16+ (at least in New York State and/ or in the more conventional models - unconventional informed consent model does not require it, see this post), and she knew she would need my support to get it started.
1. I was shocked because it by then had been a distant concept in my extended family. I have many LGBTQA+ friends but with my own kid, it hit differently. But not too much because my kid had primed me up days and weeks and months leading to that moment.
2. I was sad and extremely worried. Many friends of mine would say "well, it is very common now, you'll be fine". Yes, I sure will be. But, I worried that my kid would be discriminated, would not find love. Beyond that, I was sad my kid might not become a biological parent.
3. I got peace with it completely within just a week or two. My divorce was the rock bottom; everything else is easier. I realized, if my kid was brave enough to embrace this, meaning, facing discrimination, going through physical challenges, then why can't I support her?
4. I grew so much grey hair within 2 months. This was surprising because, like I said, I was overthinking for no more than 2 weeks and after that, it was mainly a lot of research, a lot of education for myself, many phone calls for doctor's appointments. I was not at all in anxiety.
5. I developed guilt months later. As we got more into this new journey and things started, I regreted a lot of things. Such as, why I imposed boyish outfits, boyish hairstyle, even boyish expectations on my kid all these years, and why I did not have the gut to know sooner...
6. I became sensitive and aware of random people around me. My kid said "I just want to pass", meaning, being a girl in all aspects, but mainly the look and the voice. I started seeing transgenders everywhere, and I wanted to compliment their look, but I could not.
7. I broke it out to my social network whenever I could. At the beginning, I actually chose to share it with the most conservative friends I could think of. My rational thinking was, if I could defend my kid against them, everyone else will be so easy. But there are still so many to tell.
8. I connected with other LGBTQ+ parents. I first focused on transgirl moms because we need the guidance, the tips, and the support. But soon I learned that we are far from alone and there are families within my social network that are going through similar experiences.
Moms, dads, siblings, thank you for being there for your loved ones.